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FBI's Top 12 Deaths Of The Year

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From: Secret Asian Man | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:36:06 PM | Message Detail

***WARNING!!***

The following may be offensive to certain people. Reader dicretion is advised.

FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR

Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1 - Alan Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alan's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha. Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given
a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same
method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends')
father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5-Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

To be continued
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SAM: The New Darwin Award

From: Secret Asian Man | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:36:41 PM | Message Detail

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation
poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total air loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons heard the explosion some up to 14 kilometres away. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to
the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of
the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all *******! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in
the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process
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SAM: Go out with a bang

From: crud pickle | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:38:50 PM | Message Detail

That first one was just disturbing. And it sounded really really painful.
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But I hate him just enough to get off-Poe http://www.sitinthecorner.com/comics/fetish.jpg

From: sickufu | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:39:46 PM | Message Detail

6- Heheheh
11- Whoah...

From: CronoGamer | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:41:35 PM | Message Detail

Dude, that's pretty funny.
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CronoGamer- party posse sup pimps
One half of the true jedi pimp Bonor

From: Corbon440 | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:42:42 PM | Message Detail

I stopped after reading Number 1. Should I go on?

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From: The X Dawg | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:44:09 PM | Message Detail

Should I feel guilty if I laughed?

From: Link 1337 | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:45:20 PM | Message Detail

Let me quess, Kurt Cobain was #1 in 1994.
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<:::::::][ЧЧ[o_Link_o]ЧЧ][:::::::>
31!73 1!/\/I<Ї1337Ї1!/\/I< 31!73

From: Corbon440 | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:45:35 PM | Message Detail

1, 6 and 11 are.... really amusing >_>

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From: imaguy2 | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:48:20 PM | Message Detail

2 is just...LOL funny
3 is disturbing
6 is just....ahahahahahahah
11 whoah!!!

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"They say the mind twists and bends to deal with the horrors of life.
I guess mine finally snapped."

From: h20pologuy | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:48:30 PM | Message Detail

1. Disturbing
2. Ironic, yet sad.
3. Well, now I know not to be too harsh on my kids...
4. BWAHAHAHAHA! Serves him right.
5. Stupid Landlord, stupider tenant.
6. "Hey, armed state troopers! BOO!" *BLAMx67*
7. Wow, um, that's just messed up.
8. Best. Idea. Ever.
9. Second Best. Idea. Ever.
10. LOL!
11. That's just evil.
12. Wow, that's some great brotherly love.
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"Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party..."-Robin Williams

From: Bert the 6th | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:48:53 PM | Message Detail

I know a lot of people want to do number 7.
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11 days until my Berthday!
Bert: He's more harmful than we all thought.

From: Shade7x | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:50:56 PM | Message Detail

Wow.

Just.....wow.

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Beauty in simplicity.

From: Pook420 | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:52:03 PM | Message Detail

Wasn't this on Snopes.com? I remember reading a top 10 deaths thing, but it was fake.
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"I stopped writing my Kool-Aid Man erotic fanfic when I realized I had written "Oh Yeah!" 340 times within four pages." - Mikaze

From: Bert the 6th | Posted: 5/6/2003 11:53:18 PM | Message Detail

Damn, I wonder how the girl in #3 got those tablets. Oh wait, crappy supervision!
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11 days until my Berthday!
Bert: He's more harmful than we all thought.